Shame Part 1:
There was a time in my life where I would never even consider posting this picture, even though it’s beautiful, because of how I felt about my body.
Specifically that my breasts are showing🤭heaven forbid I exist in a body 😡🥲🤪
I remember when I was in middle school going out to a diner with friends and some older guys, which in itself is a little sus but alas, that’s not the topic of discussion today.
I remember buying this silky tank top with cute flowers 🌺 and thinking I’m living my Marisa cooper fantasy.
One of the guys commented on my boobs, how they were falling out. And it wasn’t necessarily a negative comment, it was more of a 😏😏😏😏😏 attempt at flirty type of comment.
And I felt such immediate shame, never wore that tanktop again, and began to cover up my body, with unseasonable scarves and strange combinations of layers.
Even before that I remember when my boobs started growing, seemingly overnight, I remember getting stretch marks all over my breasts, cause they grew so fast, and I felt disgusting, ashamed and I began to dissociate further from my body.
Around the same time, I began self harming because it was the only way I knew at the time that I felt a release from, that I felt alive from, and soon began to cover up my arms and legs too because I didn’t want anyone to see the effects of this habit.
For years I didn’t change in front of anyone, like hiding behind a towel in the gym locker room, wearing the same bra for weeks, even sleeping in it because I didn’t want anyone to see my body, my breasts especially.
In college I partied a lot, dissociating in different ways, my friend took a picture of my body, just a little silly picture of my back with face paint and you could see my butt 😫😫😫😫 my friends teased me because I was clenching my butt cheeks so hard, not even realizing I had been doing this my whole life, clenching my butt, my shoulders, my teeth. Avoiding any feeling if I clenched and held on tight enough, I wouldn’t have to experience release. Shedding, letting go.
I was so afraid if I let go, nothing would come back to me and again I would be alone. Which was one of my biggest fears…